I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
