he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
