i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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