plz talk dirty to me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
