I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
