Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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