Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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