Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
