he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
