She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
