Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
