I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
