Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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