I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
