my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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