he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
