He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
