he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
