I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
