Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
