I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
