God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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