Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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