i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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