There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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