Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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