I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
