i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
