he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
