My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
