I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize