Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
