he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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