he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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