I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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