We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
