I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
grandma shit on top of the toilet
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
