2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
