Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
