Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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