I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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