So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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