yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
