dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
