My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
