I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
