I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have aggressive nipples.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
