Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
