Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
