i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
