i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
