i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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