Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
