My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
