see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
