I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
