my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Randomize
