I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
