remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
