i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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