Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
